Thursday, June 10, 2010

In The Still Of the Night

Have you ever had one of those nights where you just can't fall asleep? ...I mean, you're dog-tired but your mind is just spinning with all sorts of issues. Well, last night was one of those nights for me. I'm desperate to have a change in my family's living arrangements, but I don't want other people raising my kiddles. In fact, that was a promise that I made to myself before I ever even got married. There was no way that daycare or grandparents were going to end up raising my babies!

Come on, I didn't give birth to these two darling little girls so that I could just hand them over to someone else to spend most of the day with...I had them because I want to raise them. I want to be the one calming them, breaking up the fights, possitively reinforcing them, building their self confidence, teaching them about the Lord, encouraging their creativity...I want to raise my kids!

Now, to make a difference in our living arrangement it seems that I may have to go against one of the most important promises that I ever made to myself. AND I'm NOT happy about it! It's not that I don't like to fact, my Charming thinks that I'm an obsessed workaholic. I'll work overtime without even thinking twice about it if it's presented to me. And in attempts to get hired around town, I have yet to have a callback for any interviews in over 12 months! So please don't think that I'm not willing to work...I'm hoping that something works out so that I don't have to leave them in a daycare situation. In fact, I'm hoping that maybe I can drum up some business as a freelance drafter even if I finally get hired somewhere else.

The thing that bothers me is it's just the simple fact that I can not stomach the thought of leaving my girls with others for the majority of their day...or switching off with Charming and not seeing him except for possibly 2 days a week. He gets home from work and then I leave for work...passing eachother in the driveway. What kind of marriage is that?! So, last night as I battled to fall asleep, I finally decided to just get up, grab my bible and head for the couch. I spent time reading through Proverbs and Psalms, the book of old hangouts in times of frustration. And I found solice in one particular passage.

 It just so happens that it's Proverbs 31:10-31...everyone talks about being a "Proverbs 31 Wife", but have you ever really read through it? I'll tell you, I found myself saying, "Yes! That's the type of woman I want to be!" Not just thinking that I want to be a godly wife, but thinking I want the type of outcome that is stated in this passage. And then another passage that drew me in was Psalm 91. I haven't read it in probably close to 8 years. It just stirred a rejoicing in me and a comfort and peace. Something that I needed so badly as 2AM reared it's ugly head.

Proverbs 31:10-31 (New International Version)

10 A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. 11 Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. 12 She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. 15 She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.

16 She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. 17 She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. 18 She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. 19 In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. 20 She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy.

21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. 22 She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. 24 She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes.

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. 26 She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. 28 Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: 29 "Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all." 30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. 31 Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

Psalm 91 (New International Version)

1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust." 3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. 4 He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; his faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.

5 You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, 6 nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. 7 A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.

8 You will only observe with your eyes and see the punishment of the wicked. 9 If you make the Most High your dwelling— even the LORD, who is my refuge- 10 then no harm will befall you, no disaster will come near your tent. 11 For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways; 12 they will lift you up in their hands, so that you will not strike your foot against a stone. 13 You will tread upon the lion and the cobra; you will trample the great lion and the serpent.

14 "Because he loves me," says the LORD, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. 15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. 16 With long life will I satisfy him and show him my salvation."

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